Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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