Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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