i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
