At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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