I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
