you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
