She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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