i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
