Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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