dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
