She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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