just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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