I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
