I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
