I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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