Sober January is a disaster.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
