Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
