I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
