I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
