Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
wanna go halves on a baby?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
