When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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