time to smoke my breakfast
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
