I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
