just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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