Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
