My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
