Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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