he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
