dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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