halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
