Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
