I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I want to be your penis for a week.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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