allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
