fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
