Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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