Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
