My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
