My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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