Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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