yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
