a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
