I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
