No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
