i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
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I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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