I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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