Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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