I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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