we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
