This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
