I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
