I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
