Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
