youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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