im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
