My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
