Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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