If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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